Click HERE for installment #1 of Trent's Terror Firmer experience!

At the end of the last installment I'm still auditioning for the role of Jerry. I'm having trouble sleeping at night and concentrating at work - I've already dedicated a couple of weeks to auditioning and not knowing if I have the part is driving me slightly insane. But there's light at the end of this proverbial tunnel - the film starts production in less than two weeks, so they have to decide soon.

It's the third Saturday in a row that I've spent at the Troma Tae Kwan Do studio. But this Saturday is different because this time Lloyd Kaufman is there. Will has weeded down the choices for Lloyd to look at today and this, friends, is it. I get in at 11:00am - one of the first people there. I've been reading, re-reading, and practicing my sides like a madman. I'm driven. I feel as ready as I'm ever going to be . . . until they call me in to read as "Cop #2." I've never seen the lines for "Cop #2," but they're auditioning a guy for "Cop #1" and need someone to read with him. I feel the pangs of panic: My first reading in front of Lloyd and it's for a part I'm totally unprepared to play! Fortunately I don't really look like a "Cop #2" and spend the rest of the day being "Jerry." And boy do I. From 11:00am until 7:00pm I spend most of my time reading lines with tons of other actors (which is ten times less nerve-wracking than sitting in the waiting room, let me tell ya). At the end of the day after all of the other actors have left and I'm looking for an excuse to hang around, Lloyd sits me down on the couch. He seems a little worn out by the days' activities but offers me the job anyway. The offer is more of a relief than a climax: I'm thrilled but my job isn't done just because I've been cast. Now I - a guy who has never acted before - must please the director who I have considered a personal hero for a majority of my time on this planet!

Rehearsals. Lots of them. Every day. This is a low-budget film. There isn't enough money (not to mention time - it's a 27 day shoot) to burn film until you get a good performance. We actors need to be ready to jump in front of the camera at any time. For the next few weeks I leave work early or during my lunch break in order to rehearse on the roof of the Troma production (i.e. Tae Kwan Do) office. Not only does my character have a highly choreographed love scene, he gets into two fist fights, suffers severe head trauma a couple of times, and delivers a rousing monologue, so I need all the rehearsal I can get!

I have to arrange to get out of work for the month of August in order to shoot the film. It costs me my entire year's worth of vacation and some lost wages, but I'm not complaining - as I said before, I'd perform impromptu chainsaw surgery on myself for this gig. Two days before we begin to shoot, the ensemble cast is brought together and trucked to the shooting locations for a "dress rehearsal." Although there are many locations, a majority of the action takes place in two places: The burned-out shipyards in Brooklyn and a big video distribution warehouse in New Jersey. Rehearsals go smoothly until the second day when we're returning to Manhattan from the New Jersey location. Our rented econo-van (filled to capacity with the entire cast and director of Terror Firmer) gets smashed by a giant tour bus at the mouth of the Holland tunnel. Fortunately, no one is hurt but the van. Although the production runs rather smoothly, this is merely the beginning of the tribulations that the econo-van will suffer (broken into, stolen radio, destroyed rear-view mirror, leaky exhaust that gives the cast carbon monoxide poisoning every morning, etc.).

Our first few weeks of shooting are at the Brooklyn shipyards. This is a sprawling complex of old buildings abandoned after a devastating fire decades ago. An industrial wasteland of charred buildings with a great view of the Manhattan skyline. During these scenes, the cast usually outnumbers the crew - the film has an ensemble cast and there's an actor for every crew member. Everybody's getting to know one another. And what a cast and crew! More tattoos than a biker convention. More blood than a butcher's shop. More nudity than a strip club. I feel right at home.

Speaking of nudity, Lloyd likes to take advantage of everyone's unfamiliarity by shooting all of the sex and nudity scenes first. On day #1 there's an acrobatic "Toxic Avenger makes love" scene. Naked women are everywhere. But this isn't a porno film. Lloyd, the experienced director that he is, makes everybody involved comfortable and there's a professional air (hey, it's only day one). This is good, because day #2 is my big sex scene.

Okay, I certainly don't want to give away any crucial plot points here . . . I want you to see the movie, after all. So all I'll say is that half of my love scene is in the Toxic Avenger mask. "Oh, well that's no big deal," you say. "You're safe behind a mask." Correct, but the mask does little to cover my bare naked nether regions. And it (the mask, that is) does come off eventually. I'm glad that this scene is getting over with first. It may sound great to simulate sex with an attractive, naked actress, but it's the hardest day of shooting as far as I'm concerned. Lots of people fussing around with lights and cameras while you try to pretend that you're romantically enmeshed with a girl that you've only known for a few weeks. Nevertheless, I'd do it all over again a million times. I'm not complaining about being naked on film, just stating that it's a weird experience.

Side Note: Don't let it be said that Troma's films are exploitative towards large-breasted women. Terror Firmer actually has as much male nudity as female nudity. The Terror Firmer Butt Club has equal numbers of male and female members. Troma is an equal opportunity offender!

Terror Firmer is, surprisingly, not too far off schedule. A few shots have been bumped to other days or locations, but it's running pretty smoothly for such a low-budget production. Troma has been doing this for years, so I'm not surprised. And to tell the truth, I'm being treated much better than I expected to be. We're fed by caterers once a day and the food ain't bad. As I've said before, I don't want to give away any major plot points, but the remaining time at the Brooklyn shipyards has a circus-like atmosphere. Every day I am witnessing some of the most outlandish and bizarre imagery ever committed to celluloid. In addition to the aforementioned nudity, there are bullet squib hits, flying Kabukimen, Samo Hung's stuntmen on fire, The Lunachicks performing a tune, a giant explosion, a 50 gallon drum full of puke, a portapotty accident, transvestites and pre-ops, and a scary dummy of my own head!

I'm in summer camp for twisted adults and I'm having the time of my life!

-Trent Haaga