ALF BLOOPERS AND OUTTAKES Enjoyed the April 1 article on the obscene Alf. Just plausible enough to reel 'em in. Not that you had to tell me that Alf was a rude, coke-snorting perv. So plausible, in fact, that I have to mention the blooper reel from Disney's "The Bear in the Big Blue House" that was recently in the possession of a friend. Her brother is one of the puppeteers on said show and apparently Bear & Co can be pretty foul-mouthed when the occasion rises. I am of course NOT making this up. CHRIS STOMP TOKYO I hate to burst your fragile bubble of childhood bliss, but Alf was in fact, as you say, a coke snorting perv, and the review of that tape was not, as you seem to insinuate, an elaborate April Fools joke. (In fact it was put up before April 1.) The real question is, though, Permanent Midnight aside, what debauchery on the Alf set didn't made it to tape? I mean if this was going on during filming, what unnatural acts of alien puppet carnality occured during, say, the cast party? --Pete "Code Monkey" Olson DEAR EDITOR X . . . Dear Editor X: I'll be glad to link to you if you'll reconsider the statement about the Toronto Fantasia 98 festival which says "the Canadians finally do something worth going up there for." Must I point out to you that last year the Canadian cinema industry chose FOUR genre films (out of six) as nominees for our annual Genie awards for best Canadian film? And that the other two were pretty weird too? Not to mention Cronenberg's Crash the year before. We're also home to the majority of US genre tv productions (Millenium, etc.) and a number of very good Canadian series and miniseries which would qualify, I think, as horror/surreal (Twitch City, Da Vinci's Inquest). It's not an exaggeration to say that Vancouver is becoming cult/horror central for North America, with a thriving production and post-production industry, a number of very innovative film festivals, both large and small, and some of the most original and talented filmmakers I've seen in ages. AND we run movies uncut on our Canadian networks. --PATRICIA MOIR PAT'S DEN OF HORROR Ok. I'll give you the uncut movies on the networks thing, but who wants to have to wade past loose hordes of wolves roaming free on the tundra when you're trapsing through the eight feet of snow on the way to the video store. I've read To Build A Fire. I know what's up. Why do you think we keep Maxx Renn around anyway? Dear Editor X: This message has been sent to you by a secret admirer! (No Joke: Your secret admirer is a real person, maybe a friend or colleague, who knows your email address.) Is the feeling mutual? To find out if the person who sent you this message is someone you like, come to http://www.SecretAdmirer.com. Good Luck! --CUPID@SECRETADMIRER.COM After getting this letter, we would like to state our considered opinion that the people who made SecretAdmirer.com are at the very least hell-spawned minions of the devil. Cause here's why: the only way that anyone can find out who sent the SecretAdmirer evil-o-gram to them is by sending out other ones. Think about it. The poor, lonely, passive-aggressive CRT-ray overdosing soul that recieves this email is more likely to act out of hope and send its messages to the cutie in accounting, the receptionist, and the ex-college girlfriend then to, well, the poor, lonely, passive-aggressive CRT-ray overdosing soul that actually sent the original email, especially if said PLPACRT-RODS is too shy to talk to the object of their affection in the first place. At this point, as the cuties, receptionists, and exes start sending out their letters to other people, a chain reaction of pain begins. More and more people begin getting the evil-o-grams and sending them out to others who send them to even more people. The atom is split. Neutrons are flying. Cats and dogs living together. Broken hearts everywhere. Evil. We like it. Fatass Tom is sending letters to insecure adolescent girls as we speak. --Editor X show lattest porn movies --CYNTHIA "DENISE" WILLIAMS I wasn't going to bring this up, but it's the fourth or fifth time that we've gotten email asking us about porn. We don't have anything against porn. Hell, we like porn, and in fact, Fatass Tom is downloading some right now. If you have porn, send it to us, and I guarantee that it will be watched. Repeatedly. But we do not, nor do we plan to, review porn. Unless its really, really good. lattest? - Editor X A HOLIDAY GUIDE TO DEAD TEENS Dearest Sir Editor-extroirdinaire, How can you sit there, with a pleasing grimace, at your body of work regarding that trite piece of prose' known as "Your Holiday Guide to Dead Teens" and THINK that you have covered all the required bases? Fear not, squire! For you have lost. How can you title an area in your column "reunions", without even a mere REFERENCE to none other than CLASS REUNION MASSACRE (a.k.a. THE REDEEMER)?? This quintessential '80's pile o' shit is easily one of the greatest achievements in filmdom to ever hit video shelves from various labels with a damn-near-non-existant theatrical release back in tha day from it's "Canadian" distributor. Art thou privy to only "pre-star-power" slasher fare that succeeds for introducing the world to those exquisite acting talents of Brad Pitt or the ubiquitous Jill (I think she's renting a studio apartment from Jami Gertz in Inglewood theez dayz) Scholen?? Brotha, PLEEZ! Next time think before thy speak, for there deem no room for mistakes within the slasher genre. And with only ONE * (star) for BODY COUNT? Hell, your lucky to be alive, pal... - THE REAL PILL Thanks for the letter. Ok so we missed a couple--that's no reason to start talking to us like you're in the Bible or something. "Art thou?" "Think before thy speek?" What the hell? However, if you'd like to send us a copy of Class Reunion Massacre, we'd be happy to review it. By the way, the last person who told Editor X that he's "lucky to be alive," ended up in traction. I know; it was me. --Pete "Code Monkey" Olson I GAVE BLOOD PART 1 "Dude, I checked out your pics on Tapehead - nice work, bro. It looks as though all those years with your nose buried in Fango and all those hours of wear and tear on your VCR watching splatter flicks finally paid off for you. And Troma, no less! Congratulations." - NEIL DOOLEY "Hey howdy, this is benjones. We met on Terror Firmer (I'm the dude in the fish in trent03.jpg). Just thought I'd drop a note since I ran across the Troma diary, and so far it's a hell of a lot better than the piece I started to write and gave up on because it ended up bitching about the people whose couch I was sleeping on for two weeks.....god bless run on sentences. At any rate, I look forward to installment two, and perhaps we'll meet again on some future Troma endeavor. Cheers!" - BEN "FISHMAN" JONES Yeah, well here's a little secret--Haaga's out of here as soon we're done milking this Troma thing. Come on, there's only so much of this "I'm Trent Haaga, I was on a Troma movie, blah, blah, blah, Do this, Do that, blah blah blah" crap we can handle. And you, Fish Boy, why are you bitching about sleeping on other people's couches? You should be happy for the hospitality you're getting, and hell, you had your picture in TapeHead, so you should be ecstatic over that. These kids today, no gratitude. --Fatass Tom RANTS FOR AND AGAINST TAPEHEAD i would like to congratulate you boys on creating a very impressive website. you clearly have a passion for the subject. one question... have any of you ever been laid? have you ever seen a naked woman? or are the only tits you've ever seen been on the television? why don't each of you pathetic little boys attempt to get a friggin' life, and get your hands on a nice piece of ass. - ed junk Look, Ed, I'm sorry for stiffing you out of your fee on our date last time but, come on, when you make your living as a boy-whore, these things happen and you gotta learn that sooner or later. So keep your latent half-closeted wanna-be-Chelsea-boy self-loathing baggage to yourself and off of our damn web site. Oh yeah, are you available again this weekend? --Fatass Tom Thanks for the letter, Ed! It's always nice to get feedback. As for the tittie question, not only have I seen titties, but I GOT PAID to look at them!! (See I Gave Blood on the Set of Terror Firmer in our FEATURES section) --Trent "Have wanted for a couple weeks now to say how much I like tapehead.com." - ROSS LAMANNA (Screenwriter of Rush Hour) "Loved your website. It's fun and culty, just the way we like it!" - HOLLYWOOD WEB SHOP "The Troma diary feature is great. I'll be back. (great site)" - DAN TRUMAN (of Terror Firmer) Ok, why is it that the only polysyllabic words in the letters we get are "TapeHead" and "website"? Is eloquence dead in America? What happened to sitting down in front of the keyboard and writing out a thoughtful, well planned email? Is that so hard, people, is that so hard? --Fatass Tom "I am pleased to inform you have been chosen for the Best of the Planet PEOPLE'S CHOICE Awards, July 1998." - BEST OF THE PLANET Amazing considering we didn't launch until October, 1998.