An autistic kid breaks a secret code that cost the U.S. government $2 billion to create. Right. They have $2 billion to pay for a measly code and yet they send out $.25 assassins to kill the kid. Hell, the little punk doesn't even need Bruce Willis (in a truly uninspired performance . . . well, even more so than usual) to save him from the evil NSA (led by Alec Baldwin, who is actually in the flick for about five minutes and probably earned more money for this role than my old man has made in his lifetime). Right. The evil NSA . . . who are clueless but manage to have convenient spies just standing on train platforms in case the hero runs his car off of the highway and hops on a train . . .

Insipid story. Stupid characters. Negative action. Worthless dialogue . . . How many synonyms are there for the word suck anyway?

For God's sake, stay away from Mercury Rising - hands down the worst flick of the week. Nuff said.

-Editor X

Nightwatch - Danish director Ole Bornedal was hired by Dimension Films to remake his own 1994 "horror in a morgue" flick, Nattevagten into an English-language remake . . . Nightwatch is the result. Starring Ewan MacGregor, Patricia Arquette, and Nick Nolte, this is one creepy puppy. The folks at Dimension seemed not to think so (they sat on the completed film for over a year), and neither did the critics (it was panned) or the fans (hardly registered a blip on the box office radar). While Nightwatch may not be as good as the original (which has yet to see U.S. video distribution), it's still about ten times better than the rash of "teen-kill" flicks hitting the theaters these days. What Nightwatch has plenty of is atmosphere. The morgue in which most of the film takes place drips with eerie menace. Much like the Italian giallo flicks that it seems to emulate, Nightwatch may tend to sacrifice logical narrative at times . . . But it's all for the sake of pure scares. In a day where no one seems to be able to make a serious horror flick without tongue-in-cheek in-jokes, Nightwatch is a refreshing breath of seriousness.

SOMETHING OLD

The Vanishing - Speaking of creepy Danish films that were re-made by the same director . . . George Sluizer was hired to remake his horrifying 1988 abduction and obsession flick (the remake starred a then little-known Sandra Bullock). Unfortunately, Sluizer decided that American audiences were stupid and drastically changed the film, thereby making it less scary, less subtle, and less satisfying than the original. Unlike Nightwatch, however, the original Danish version of The Vanishing is widely available on video in the U.S. (it's not the one with Jeff Bridges on the cover). A horrifying tale of a young man who becomes obsessed with the disappearance of his girlfriend and the psycho who abducted her, The Vanishing has to be one of the creepiest, bleakest visions ever captured on film . . . And nothing can prepare you for the film's devastating conclusion. Uncomfortable and grim, The Vanishing will stick to the roof of your brain like celluloid peanut butter - just like a good horror film should.

-Editor X