Michelle Yeoh Does the 80s - Hong Kong Style

Impossible as it may seem, someone managed to make a Hong Kong version of the justly forgotten Band Of The Hand. In a world where they can make a movie for the hearing-impaired called Deafula (about a signing you-know-what), I suppose such a thing shouldn't really come as a shock. Basically, folks, you haven't lived until you've seen this ridiculous, but nonetheless charming, entry for the ol' time capsule, to be filed somewhere between Alan Hunter and Electric Boogaloo. All the cliches you hated from the 80s are piled on here in abundance: villains that won't stay dead (Jason to Lethal Weapon), rocky-quarry climaxes (Cannon Films only), deus ex machina "saviour" weapons (Tango & Cash, Death Wish 3), and worst of all, Harold Faltermeyer-style scores (Beverly Hills Cop, Fletch).

Here's the story: Early in the New-Romantic-doused '80s, Michelle casually hangs out in Pat Benatar duds at a Tokyo street celebration, taking pictures of a cheesy 80's synth pop band. Nearby, a foot chase breaks out as some criminals hunt down a stool-pigeon gang member. Michelle joins in and dispatches the thugs with her amazing martial arts prowess. It turns out that Michelle is a Hong Kong cop. Michelle boards a flight home along with a HK gangster being transported back with two armed escorts. Michelle meets Michael on board, a cheery and flirtatious airline security agent (think of an Asian Kyle Maclachlan), and Yamamoto, a Japanese detective (think of an Asian John Stamos) ready to retire with his troubled wife and adorable daughter. The three are immediately forced into action when the gangster's undercover cronies attempt to rescue him mid-air from the authorities. The criminals are overpowered and killed by our clever team, but not without substantial loss to innocent lives. The gangsters seek revenge on the trio, and Yamamoto's family is brutally killed with a car bomb that leaves the retired cop craving retribution. Two ex-soldiers, who had made a lifelong pact during "the war" (Vietnam?) with the deceased gangster, are making the remarkably complicated hits. As Michael tries to win Michelle's heart, the veterans, soon to be revealed as a TRIO and not just a duo, stage several bloody public battles to try to take the cops down. Michael pays with his life, Michelle gets some high-tech help from her father's lab, and Yamamoto gets his revenge.

Given Michelle Yeoh's baby-face, I knew this movie had to have been made in the 80s, but I couldn't peg exactly when, until Michael walks past a construction wall covered with movie posters and I caught a glimpse of the ad for none other than 1985's CHUD. Yes, the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers made it to HK. Yeoh, like the movie, only really comes alive during the action sequences (which earned the film a nomination for the 1986 Hong Kong Film Awards for Best Action Choreography).

The plot, while totally throwaway, manages to include some political subtext in the characters' Chinese vs. Japanese tensions. Beyond that, the film strains credulity at every opportunity: the battle on the passenger jet manages to equal 1979's absurd The Concorde for breaking all known laws of physical science when a thug's head is smashed through a cabin window and the plane continues on its way.

Technically, the film is crayola-colored affair with pastel interiors and tacky Miami Vice outfits in virtually every frame. Every young man has a bouffant, heavily-moussed hair helmet, and blazers are usually worn over T-shirts with the collar flipped up and the sleeves rolled back. The cloying musical score is like a wall-to-wall instrumental version of Denise Williams' Footloose anthem Let's Hear It For the Boy: all dinky keyboards and bouncy synth-baselines.

All in all, Royal Warriors really isn't any worse than American 80's clunkers like Out Of Bounds with Anthony Michael Hall or The Legend Of Billie Jean with Helen Slater. When I was forced (often through student-age boredom) to endure this seemingly endless film cycle at its very zenith (perhaps nadir?), it often seemed as if the movies would never recover from this dull trend. I'm sure some moviegoers in HK felt the same way. So, the next time some old fogie tells you that today's movies are "dead", remember that tripe like this eventually gave way to classics from John Woo, Tsui Hark, Ringo Lam, Ronny Yu, and Samo Hung. Royal Warriors is proof that cinema, ANY cinema, can bounce back from a slump.

- Maxx Renn