Brian Bosworth - Superstar!

Long ago, when Dennis Rodman was just your average NBA pro, there was an outspoken and brash football player who was known worldwide for his crazy haircuts and tell-all biography. His name was Brian Bosworth. Like Rodman after him, some insane movie producers decided to pay "The Boz" outlandish amounts of money to star in his very own big budget action picture. Also like the Rodman/Van Damme actioneer Double Team, the film and its star were panned both by the critics and the paying audience.

Unlike Double Team, however, Stone Cold gets better as the years progress. I wouldn’t be surprised if it became a full-blown, bonafide cult classic in the years to come. As the eighties and early nineties become "retro" (and don’t think it won’t happen), I envision Brian Bosworth rising from the ashes - a burning phoenix of macho cool chic who will be revered as the action god that he is (despite the Razzie Award he received for Worst New Star of 1992) while Rodman once again contemplates suicide.

If you hold a special place on your video shelf for such classics as The Losers, Werewolves on Wheels, or Angels . . . Hard as They Come, reserve some more space for a copy of Stone Cold - the best biker action flick since 1973.

"The Boz" is Joe Huff, a southern cop with an attitude who is (naturally) suspended at the beginning of the film. But that doesn’t stop him from single-handedly stopping a grocery store heist. And it doesn’t stop the FBI from hiring him to infiltrate "The Brotherhood" - the most powerful biker gang in the history of the world. Okay, so The Brotherhood has Lance "too many movies to mention" Henriksen and Bill Forsythe as the leaders. And these guys are the epitome of tough-as-nails white trash. But a biker gang more powerful than the Mafia AND the National Guard? Anyway, Joe Huff changes his name to John Stone (Stone Cold - get it?), joins the gang, hangs out at biker rallies and strip bars, gets into fights, and deals speed to school kids in order to get deep into The Brotherhood. But the aforementioned criminal activities are merely fundraising efforts by the bikers to finance their master plan: To storm the state capital of Arkansas with a surplus military helicopter and a bunch of stolen weapons in order to break ONE of their "brothers" out of court!

You heard me correctly. A biker gang more powerful than the U.S. military that sieges a state capital through brute force. I know it’s ridiculous and unbelievable. But that’s what makes Stone Cold such a thoroughly enjoyable junk-fest. You have to stretch your suspension of disbelief to the breaking point. John Stone is so cool that he wears an ankle-length leather duster with no shirt. He has a Gila Lizard for a pet (even though he’s a cop and owning one of these endangered animals is against the law). The biker gang, their scuzzy and drunken appearance aside, is more powerful, influential, and organized than any modern day terrorist group. But despite this, their overall master plan is one of the most hackneyed and convoluted motivations in the annals of entertainment. The entire film is a broad, comic book-ish catalogue of macho posturing - the "McBain" character from The Simpsons incarnate. The bad guys are truly evil, you can practically SMELL their stench wafting from the screen. The good guys are only good because the script tells you so. Everybody flexes and sweats and drinks and grunts. And kills. With brutal impunity and a lot of squirting blood. The body count on this one has to be seen to be believed. And it isn’t so much the quantity of the violence (although there’s plenty of it), but the quality that makes you cringe several times during the film. Folks, they just don’t make movies like this anymore (and for most of you that’s probably good news).

I enjoy Stone Cold more every time I watch it (you can pick it up on laser disc for about ten bucks). It’s "The Bad, the Worse, and the Ugliest" of action movies, so full of tough guy posturing that it goes full circle and parodies the genre better than ten Last Action Heros. Add in the terribly cheesy "studio metal orchestra" soundtrack (remember Britny Fox or Kix? Didn’t think so) and the fact that the romantic interest takes a bullet in the brain five minutes after the sub-plot is introduced and you’ve got a Saturday night six pack winner if there ever was one.

I know you’re skeptical and dubious. Fine. But don’t be surprised when Stone Cold usurps The Rocky Horror Picture Show from the midnight movie circuit.

- Editor X